-I Was Afraid-

I was afraid of the look in your eye.
I was afraid I was suffering retribution with you.
I was afraid of the uncertainty of your reaction.
I was afraid of having to please and cower
and submit for you to leave me be.
I was afraid of the shortness of your temper.
I was afraid of your masculinity.

(Did you not think I can be as abrupt as you?
Did you not realize I was the only one
who kept both feet on the ground?
Did you not even bother to think?)

I was afraid of the way you used brute strength
to tear away my esteem.
I was afraid of your need to hide your insecurities.
I was afraid of your need to prove to me you were secure.
I was afraid of your tantrums.
I was afraid of how brutal and obstinate you could become.
I was afraid of your ego.
I was afraid of all your testosterone.

(Do you not think I can rage?
Do you not think my sweet countenance
can turn as quickly as yours can?
Did you not believe that my tongue could be sharp?)

I was afraid of the feeling of fear.
I was afraid of being around you.
I was afraid of what you'd say behind my back.
I was afraid of the sick way you would mask
your cowardice by beating me down.
I was afraid of the cowardly way you'd only attack my pride
so no visible scars could present themselves.
I was afraid of the way you had
leeched and sucked away at my strength.

(Did you not think I would get tired of this garbage,
this bullshit?
Did you not think you would cause me to flee?)

I was afraid for the next girl.
I was afraid of how long you managed
to keep my head under.
I was afraid I wouldn't wake up.
I was afraid of being near you.
I was afraid of your delusions.
I was afraid of and sick of your smell.
I was afraid of your flying fist.
I was afraid of your complete disregard for my welfare.
I was afraid of being a girl,
an inconvenience,
a pain.
I was afraid of masking my intelligence,
so that it might not outshine your own.
I was afraid of shining beside you.
I was afraid of all the condemnation you would throw me
(Like throwing me over a wall.)
I was afraid of the silence, the stillness before the storm.
I was afraid of the tightness in my stomach,
the everpresent warning of danger.

(Did you not think I would either flee or fight
when backed to a corner?
Did you not consider that I might scream when pushed
over the edge?)

I was afraid I couldn't let go of you.
I was afraid you had captured my happiness.
I was afraid for my safety.
I was afraid I had lost my sanity.
I was afraid angels cried for me.

(Did you not think the taste of freedom would not be
intoxicating bliss for me?)

I am still afraid of how I cower when I hear your name.
I am still afraid of how I lose my mind when I think
you have found me.
I am still afraid of your unkind apathy.
I am afraid you might talk to me.

You say you love me that you can't live without me
that you miss me so much.

You say you want me to be by your side again you want to hold me
you want to cherish me again.

You say it'll work out you say you ache for
me in your bed again.

Let me say this.

I'm still afraid.

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